


Graduate-Level Self-Destructive Actions

by Pookaseraph



Series: CMUniverse [17]
Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Ableism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Carnegie Mellon, F/M, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pittsburgh, Single Parents, The Talk, poor communication skills
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-14
Updated: 2012-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-31 03:49:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/339566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pookaseraph/pseuds/Pookaseraph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erik deals with his relationship hurdle in a perfectly healthy and reasonable manner befitting his age, maturity, and experience. Who are we kidding? He throws himself onto an emotional hand grenade.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Graduate-Level Self-Destructive Actions

**Author's Note:**

> Probably be a few days before 18 (our last Tony POV!). Maybe I will get this done before March... we'll see.

Monday finally arrived. School was back in session, all of the students back from their over-long weekends and grumbling, asking why it wasn't end of term yet. For Erik it actually felt a bit like a vacation. His mother had worked all weekend and he'd only been able to get out to see Charles on Thanksgiving and then quickly on Sunday morning. It wasn't much by way of an anniversary and he just didn't quite know what to do. He knew he should do something. He hadn't missed the sapphire stud earrings that Anya had come home wearing from her anniversary date. Tony was so... suave, or something. Charles was either not suave or had somehow picked up that Erik was filled with panic at the thought of actually celebrating the occasion and had marked the passing of their own anniversary with barely a snuggle and a phone call.

He was not very good at this.

Erik also knew he was pushing his luck with Charles. With a day or so's time to reflect, he realized he'd been a complete ass towards Hank, was jealous for no reason, and was wearing Charles' patience thin. ‘I love you’ could only cure that so many times. He could see it, really, could start to recognize the problem, he was terrified of losing Charles, but being jealous of everyone in Charles' life would get him nowhere.

It would lose him Charles.

The thought was not comforting at all. He sighed and took a deep breath of the smells wafting around the kitchen. It was filled with the smells of slowly stewing chicken thighs in tomatoes. It wasn't particularly fancy, but he was tired and his mother was tired. It was the first time she'd really been off her feet since Thanksgiving - she'd worked the whole weekend - so the tired look she had as she lounged in the kitchen was particularly heart wrenching. He could see her look, the look that said she thought she should be cooking, not Erik, but Erik had sat her down, got her some wine and waited until she had propped her feet up before he returned to the stove.

"Your friends were nice."

Erik froze, realized they hadn't talked since Thanksgiving... had it really been that long? "Yeah. I met them during the TA meeting. They're... fun."

"You don't usually have friends over." Her voice was light, not even really speculative, just a statement of fact.

Funnily, Erik thought that she could have left off the last word and it would have been just as true. He didn't usually have friends, period. The reasons were many. He didn't have as much time as he would like, he was worried about being judged, he could be awkward about his family, he wasn't sure how they would take him being gay, he wasn't sure how _he_ took being gay... the list went on. He didn't have an answer so he didn't comment.

"Tony's a bit of a playboy type, isn't he? Rakish and handsome."

Erik frowned into the rice he was measuring out. There were so many things he could say to that. "Actually he's got a girlfriend. They... have only been together two months but he seems pretty serious about her." Tony owed him so much for that. "Smart, too, he's working on his doctorate in robotics." And rich, and suave, and having sex with his mother's daughter.

He checked over his shoulder at his mother and found her nodding in a distracted sort of way. "They live far away?"

"Just New York."

"Why didn't Tony and Charles go home then?"

Erik prodded the stewing chicken. "Tony's parents are dead and they don't get along with Charles' stepfather and step brother."

"Oh, I guess I can see how that might be the case." Erik couldn't quite tell what his mother might have meant by that, and he turned around, frowning. "Oh, I just mean it must be hard on them, having to care for Charles."

A particularly protective and ugly feeling squeezed in Erik's chest, and his frown deepened. "It's not like Charles is an invalid or something." He was fairly certain that Tony didn't magically do an overwhelming amount of caretaking of Charles when Erik wasn't around. He knew, intellectually, that Charles still hid or left ambiguous some of the most trying aspects of his injury, but it wasn't like he was ignorant. There were catheters and pressure sores and the slow way he had to work around getting into and out of bed or washing, the annoyance of having to go around every building, the way people rolled their eyes when he needed to get on a bus and it took 'forever' to get the bus lift up and down, but it wasn't like he was helpless.

"But can you imagine? Trying to get a house together for him? He's still lucky Tony wanted to go to school the same place, how would he have come here on his own?" His mother was talking like these exceedingly practical questions were... the end of it, like Charles couldn't have come to CMU without Tony, or like he couldn't live on his own at all... and it just made some particularly raw part of Erik feel... twisted up inside.

"I think he and Tony came here because it has good programs for both of them..." If there was even an ounce of pity in Tony's decision to come to CMU, Erik had never seen it.

His mother had a look... like she thought Erik was being difficult on purpose. "It's difficult for your grandfather to go through a day and he's only missing a leg, I think you should try to remember how hard that boy has to work to go through a day."

Erik wondered, actually, was he being too... normal to Charles? That didn't seem right, Charles liked being treated no different, sometimes he seemed to wish he could go farther or push himself up a hill without help - and Pittsburgh had a _lot_ of hills - and sometimes Erik held the door for him - especially the ones that didn't have an automatic push-button - or he pulled out a chair from a table so that Charles could sit but...He wished his mother wouldn't act like Charles couldn't do as much as he could. He didn't know how to say it, though. "He does pretty well."

The conversation had somehow gotten to be all about Charles, and his mother didn't seem to get it.

"He's also very smart. Everyone thinks he's a great TA." That was just as important, maybe more so. "I have some of the professors asking that Charles TA a course for them next semester because he's good with lots of subjects. He got three undergraduate degrees in three years." One of them was in psychology, of course, which Erik found ridiculous, but Charles was brilliant and well rounded. Erik didn't love him because of the chair, he loved him because of all the other bits, the way he kissed, the way his eyes were so blue and round he thought he might fall in, the way he smiled and said something brilliant and made Erik feel brilliant, the way he seemed to just _get_ Erik effortlessly, the way he was patient - too patient - with Erik and his issues.

He wanted to say something thoughtful and brilliant, or something stupid, like 'I love him', but... he just couldn't, he wasn't ready.

"Well he couldn't have had much better to do."

Erik blinked at her, confused again.

"He couldn't have been out dating or partying, much."

He wanted to... cry, or yell, or something, he wasn't sure what the white-hot feeling in his gut was. He didn't know how his mother could love grandpa Magnus and not understand that... well grandpa hadn't been married when he lost his leg, and _somehow_ he still got married and had kids afterwards. And he didn't know his grandmother well, but he doubted it was pity that had made her marry him. "Charles dates."

He didn't look at his mother's face, he didn't want to he... really didn't want to. He didn't want to know what his mother thought of that because Charles... Charles was _incredible_. He couldn't imagine a world where Charles wouldn't have people all over him, wanting to kiss those lips and run their hands down his chest and... He squeezed his eyes shut as he continued to prod the chicken that didn't need prodding because it was just stewing and he could have just left it be but he needed something to do with his hands that wasn't fist them in frustration. Erik just thought he was the luckiest guy in the world that he'd gotten to Charles first. He was a damn idiot for letting his issues get in the way of them going further.

At least, finally, his mother seemed to realize - for whatever reason - that Erik had strong feelings on the topic and they weren't going to change. He wasn't one for changing his opinion on things, really. 

"Well... they both seem like nice boys. I'm glad you're spending time with them."

"Yeah." He put a cover on the chicken. "I'm going to let this sit, I'll be back for the rice."

He fled to his room. Everyone was in the little upstairs lounge across from his room, playing Mario Kart - the N64 having been moved back upstairs after Thanksgiving - and Erik climbed into his bed and just stared at the ceiling and felt... crappy. His mom didn't even seem to think Charles was dateable, could date, would have someone want to date him, how would she react when she found out that Erik had fallen in love with that guy?

"Hey?" Anya knocked lightly on his doorframe. 

He sat up, wiping the worst of the wetness from his eyes. "Hey."

"Umm... do you think it's a good night to talk to mom about college?" She came over and flopped on the edge of his bed, looking at him expectantly. He was supposed to do that, he had to back Anya up on that and tell mom that Anya deserved a shot at college, a good college, but...

Erik sighed. "I'm kinda pissed at mom right now."

Anya frowned for a minute "Why?"

"She said some things about how Charles couldn't do anything for himself."

"Oh." Anya wiggled her fingers together. "I used to think that... like how he could even wash up and things, you know? Tony explained it to me. I felt bad afterwards."

"Why?" Now he found himself curious. Tony had... spent time explaining Charles' disability with Anya, apparently, and... actually come to think of it Tony hadn't much explained it to _him_ and he was feeling a bit short-changed. He supposed mostly he got it straight from Charles... which was probably better anyway, so suddenly he didn't mind as much again.

"Just I thought he might never be able to be by himself... or that he'd have to be by himself, because he couldn't get a girlfriend or a boyfriend." Anya was babbling now, fingers pressing together awkward and nervous.

"Boyfriend?" How much had Tony been telling Anya about Charles’ sexuality, anyway?

"I don't know if Charles likes boys or not. I mean Tony's just always going on about how it's ok to like boys and I..." She giggled. "I thought maybe he was trying to say he was... _you know_ , but he's not." She shrugged. "So maybe Charles likes boys?"

Erik frowned at his sister. "What if he did?"

"Well you'd better not be a homophobe about it, Erik Magnus Lehnsherr. He's my boyfriend's baby brother."

A weird sort of weight lifted off his chest. If Anya was lecturing _him_ about not being a homophobe maybe he could... "Tony's only sixteen hours older."

Anya laughed again. "Still the big brother, even if he doesn't act like it."

"Well... I'd like Charles just the same if he were gay or bi." There, he'd said... something.

"Good, because... I mean I never knew anyone gay before, but it just seems like it would... suck to try to figure all of that out while everyone's talking about girls and you want a boy, or boys when you want a girl." She hugged her knees up to her chest while she tried to explain her thoughts and Erik... Erik grabbed her around the shoulders and hugged her close.

"Yes, I think it's probably very tough, Liebling."

"I like boys though... a boy, just one boy is enough."

He gave her another squeeze. "Yeah, one boy is more than enough."

"Even if you don't like him."

"Why would you date someone you don't like?"

"I mean _you_ don't like him, you don't like Tony."

"Not particularly." If they were going to get a chance to talk about this, he could at least make an effort, he supposed.

"Is it... because I'm dating at all, or because it's Tony?"

It was a very valid question, and Erik didn't really have a perfect answer. "Both?" He asked, feeling a bit like he should be more certain, but he couldn't be. Tony was a complete slut, he'd admitted as much to Erik on more than one occasion, and the idea of his sister, his little baby sister, in the arms of someone like that drove him completely around the bend.

But it was more than that, they were so... _happy_ , and he was so damn miserable. Well, he was happy most of the time, every time Charles smiled, every time they kissed, every time he held Charles' hand or hugged him, every time they curled up together in bed and ran their hands down each other's chests. He was maddeningly, deliriously happy. Then reality would intercede and he felt the oppressive weight of everything.

"Erik!" Anya huffed, breaking him out of his reverie. "He's... I know he's a bit... Tony, but you must see he's really sweet."

Tony wasn't sweet, Charles was sweet, Tony was a jackass who slept with his sister and then went out with him to eat pancakes. He realized, very distantly, that he was a really horrible older brother sometimes, since he couldn't even manage to focus on the conversation at hand. All he could think about was how much he was fucking up with Charles, constantly.

"He's a boy," Erik said, as though that explained everything.

"You're a boy," Anya shot back, immediately.

"Yes, which is why I know he's thinking no good thoughts about my baby sister."

Anya was taking this... about as well as Erik was, and she crossed her arms in a huff. "I'm not a _baby_ , Erik. And..." She flushed, deeply. "So what if he is thinking no good thoughts about me? He's my boyfriend, and maybe I want him thinking about me like that sometimes. It's better than someone getting freaked out about my _knees_ or something!"

"I'm pretty sure it's not your _knees_ he's freaking out over," Erik said, face all scowls. "I'm pretty sure people don't even wear underwear with kilts." He said it under his breath, regretted it instantly.

He regretted it even more when, a few moments later, he looked up at the look of shocked hurt on his sister's face. "You... you listened in on me and Tony's phone call?" Her voice was thin, broken, and sad. "He..." Her hands crossed in front of her chest. "Do you not even care that we like each other? Is it just about the sex?"

Erik flinched at the word.

"You've had like... six girlfriends." Four. "And I know you slept with them, don't even pretend." He had. "And you're being weird about me having _one_ boyfriend who I haven't even..." Her hands fell to her sides. "Forget it. I'm going to talk to the one person who doesn't treat me like I'm a little kid."

She stormed out of the room, and at first Erik thought she was going to call Tony, which really would have severed him right, but instead she stormed passed his and Pietro's room with a small duffle over her shoulder and her backpack over the other shoulder, and he realized she was... leaving at almost seven thirty on a school night to possibly sleep over at Tony's and he was up in a flash, hand on her wrist.

"Let go of me."

"Anya, I'm... I'm sorry."

"Too late." She tugged, and he let her wrist go. "I need to just... not see you, alright? I don't know why you're such a... such a jerk right now, but you need to get over it. Tony and I are dating, Tony and I... do things together, and that's normal, and natural, and a lot more healthy than whatever prude thing you've decided to have like six years too late. OK?"

Anya was down the stairs in a flash and out the door before he could even make it downstairs to really think about what had just happened.

"Where's Anya off to?" His mother asked.

He put water on for the rice. "She's going out with friends."

And his mother... just seemed to shrug and accept that. "She's been doing well in school, right?"

"Yeah," Erik admitted, a moment later, a bit grudging. "She's... been thinking about college again."

He looked over his shoulder to see his mother's reaction. She sighed, looking almost resigned. "There's this nice boy down at synagogue..."

"I don't think she's really interested, mom."

"He's a cute boy!"

Erik turned back to the water, glowering down at the rice in the bottom of the pot. "I'm sure he is." Stupid cute boys and their blue eyes and their soft brown hair and their lips that looked fake but were completely and truly real and sweet and...

For one brief, terrifying moment he thought of turning around, of looking his mother in the eyes and just saying it, saying 'mom, I'm gay, I'm in love. I've never felt better'.

He turned around.

His mother looked far too caught up in thoughts of Anya and college.

She must have caught something in his look. "Are you alright, dear?"

"Never better."


End file.
